


aren't we just terrified?

by itisjosh



Series: change won't come if we don't begin [21]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Healing, Letters, Magic, Music, Pets, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Life Partners, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Running Away, Separation Anxiety, Teleportation, Trauma, War, aftermath of war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27239902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: Very technically, the war ended a month ago.That doesn't mean the pain stops.
Relationships: Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: change won't come if we don't begin [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939360
Comments: 62
Kudos: 346





	1. take as long as you need

It happens so quickly, Niki barely even manages to register it at all. 

She watches as Phil appears from the sky, watches as he crashes into Wilbur. She watches them both disappear. She hears so many people screaming, she watches Tubbo and Tommy race away on Techno's horse. Niki watches Dream and Quackity fight against Schlatt and Ponk, she watches as Fundy desperately tries to unlodge himself from a bur- _Fundy is stuck_. Niki pushes her thoughts down, swallowing back the fear in her chest. She runs as fast as she can to her friend, grabbing the wooden beam as soon as she's able to reach it. She feels the flames sear her hands, but that isn't important - what's important is saving Fundy. Niki throws the beam off of him, helping the hybrid up. She hears another explosion somewhere in the distance. _Fuck._ How much gunpowder did Wilbur use? How many explosives are under L'manberg? 

How had she never noticed?

"Niki!" Eret nearly crashes into her, a gouge across his face, blood trickling down his cheek. "We need to get out of here, _now_ ," he turns back, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," she breathes out, letting Fundy lean against her. "Where do we _go?_ " Eret shakes his head, his eyes duller than Niki has ever seen them. "Pogtopia?" 

"Okay," Eret nods. He wraps his arms around Fundy, pulling the hybrid up, cradling him to his chest. "Okay. Let's go." 

And so they do.

* * *

"Fuck- ow!" Fundy winces, jerking his hand back. "Sorry," he hisses, leaning his head back as he sighs. "It hurts, Niki. I know it isn't even your fault, but I'm kind of angry, and I.." he sighs again. "I want to blame it on someone, and you always let people blame you, and I _shouldn't_ , so I'm trying not to, but I'm-"

Niki smiles, carefully taking Fundy's hand back in her own. "It's fine, Fundy. Are you going to come with us?" Fundy shrugs, glancing away from her. Hard question, probably. "You don't have to answer," Niki reminds him, wrapping the gauze around his wrist. "Just wondering." 

"I'm not sure," Fundy admits. "I'd like to. But he'd never.." he shakes his head. "He's never gonna want to see me again, is he, Niki?" Fundy looks up at her, ears pressed against his head. "I hurt him."

"You did," Niki agrees, "But you didn't do _that_ to him. You didn't hurt him that badly that he would have done this, Fundy," she assures him. "That..that was all Will. I don't know what happened, either. He just..he started to spiral." 

Fundy nods, quietly pulling away his hand and giving her the other. "I wish I had been there. It wouldn't- it wouldn't have done anything, but I wish I..I wasn't for Schlatt, Niki. I promise, I wasn't..he _killed_ me, Niki," Fundy whispers. "He killed me."

"I know," Eret had told her all about it. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he snorts. "I didn't expect it."

"I wouldn't have expected you to," Niki smiles, bandaging his other hand. "The beam fell on your back. I'm going to have to wash out the burns there, too." Fundy looks at her, biting down on his lip.

"I don't like it when people see my back."

"Why?"

Fundy gives her a shaky half-smile, ducking his head. "Ever heard of hunter camps? They- they take hybrids, like me, and they throw them in cages. They do all sorts of things to them, and I- I got caught when I was.." he pauses. "Eight, I think. I just have scars, that's all. I try not to think about it. No one else's seen them besides Wilbur, but that's..clearly not going to happen." 

Niki pauses for a second. "I'm sorry," she feels her stomach churn at the idea of an _eight year old_ being hurt just because..Niki shakes her head. "I'm so sorry," she leans forwards, and Fundy does the same, resting his head on her shoulder. "I..they do have to be taken care of. I promise I won't judge." 

"I know _you_ won't," Fundy laughs. "But _I_ will. I don't like them. It's.." he sighs. "I know. I trust you to..I know. I trust you. It's hard, though."

"I understand," and Niki does, she does understand. "I'll make it quick, I promise." 

Fundy pulls back, smiling. "It's fine, Niki. I just figured I should..I don't know, tell you? Thank you. For..for being willing to do this. I know that I-"

"You're not a traitor," Niki tells him before he can even say the words. "You were working as a spy. The majority of us were doing the same," she smiles. "It's fine, Fundy. It wasn't like I was going to let you die." Fundy ducks his head again, ears perking up. 

"You're too nice to me, you know that?" He grins. "You're too nice to everyone. Thank you, Niki. Where are you going to go after this?" She shrugs.

"Somewhere different. I want to find Tommy and Tubbo, just to make sure they're okay. I'll travel with Eret. You can come," Niki tells him. "You don't need to stay here." 

Fundy shrugs. "I..I'd like to rebuild it," he admits. "So maybe, if Will ever comes back, there'll be something here. Other than just..ash and rubble, you know?" He laughs. "It's stupid, but..I think he'd like it." 

"I think he would, too," Niki smiles back. "Alright. Shirt off. I'll make this fast, promise." 

* * *

Niki is well aware of how people view her. 

Steady, an anchor. Someone's rock, someone everyone else can lean on. Support. 

She wears those descriptions with pride for the most part. She's never minded being the one people can rely on, the one that people can feel safe with.

She especially doesn't mind it now as she holds Wilbur closer, wrapping her arms around him. "You're safe," Niki murmurs. Eret found Tommy and Tubbo, so she decided she could leave. If only for a little, she..she needed to check in on Wilbur. She had to. "I'm right here, Will. Nothing is going to happen," she promises, even if it's futile. Niki knows that Wilbur trusts her, that she's one of the two people he actually trusts. She doesn't plan on lying to him, doesn't plan on breaking that trust. Niki starts to hum, an old lullaby she learnt when she was much younger. "Is the music here?"

"No," Wilbur whispers, his voice cracking on the words. "It's so quiet, Niki."

"It'll come back," she promises him, continuing to hum. Niki doesn't understand the music that Wilbur hears, she doesn't know how it happened or why he's the only one who can hear it. What she does know is that it is _very_ bad when the music disappears. When Wilbur is left in silence..nothing good comes out of it. "Close your eyes, Will. It's going to be fine. You can go back to sleep."

"I'm scared, Niki."

"I know," Niki wishes she could help more. There's only so much words and comforting touches can offer. "I'll be here, though. I'm not leaving, Will. I'd never leave. And Phil is just in the next room, alright? When you wake up, I'll be right here."

Wilbur's sniffles get a little slower, and she feels him relax, his entire body untensing. "I'm sorry." 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Niki tells him. "I love you, Will." 

"I love you too, Niki." 

She feels his breathing even out, hears him start to snore. Thank god. Niki leans back against the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She's always so happy when Wilbur sleeps, but it means that she can't. If anything happened to him when she swore, when she _promised_ , that nothing wouldn't..she would never be able to forgive herself. Niki is still struggling with that - forgiveness. Wilbur blew up her home, _their_ home. He destroyed L'manberg and..

He feels _terrible_ about it. 

Wilbur was the one left with the most scars, with the worst of it. He got the worst of all of it, and Niki knows that. 

It doesn't mean that it stops being hard to look at him. She knows that he started to get paranoid, he started to slip and lose his mind. That the war had made his mind detoraite. It's hard to look at herself. She should have noticed sooner, she should have never let it get this bad.

Niki should have put an arrow in Schlatt's head the day he showed up on the world. 

But it's too late for that now, isn't it? Niki wishes she could go back in time, she wishes she could try to fix everything. If she had the chance, she would have killed Schlatt the day he set foot on the SMP. But she can't, Niki can't go back in time, no matter how hard she wants to. 

So for now she'll have to settle with helping her best friend as much as she can, even if it hurts. 

* * *

It's unbearably bright out. 

"Fuck! Wh- you're letting him out! You're letting him out, stop it! Stop, put him back in the goddamn- _Tubbo!_ He's gonna get away, and I-" Niki smiles as she watches Tubbo and Tommy chase after one of Tommy's Mooblooms. She's fairly certain that one is Henry, which is Tommy's favourite. 

The sun makes the Moobloom look much brighter than he actually is. Eret laughs next to her, holding his dog in his arms like a child. He still doesn't have a name, but everyone, including herself, have already gotten too attached to him to let him go back into the wild. Phil set up a portal for her, so she could leave and come back anytime that she wanted. Niki glances over at it, watching as it warps the area around it, buzzing and humming something that sounds like words, but not quite. She's the only one who can see it. Niki intends to keep it a secret. 

Niki looks down at the note in her lap, picking up the pen again. 

_Hi, Will._

_Tommy and Tubbo are okay. This world has a new kind of cow they've (and by they I mean Tubbo) nicknamed Mooblooms. How have you been doing? I'll be coming by in the next week, if not sooner. Promise. Eret is fine, he found a dog (who doesn't have a name), and they've been bonding. Will you tell Phil that I said hello? Next time I come by, I'll bring you a few flowers. Tubbo has started a garden. Tommy has been worried about you - he keeps asking me if I know how you are. Like you told me to, I haven't said anything to him. He's worried, though, Will. I think it would be a good idea to start writing to him, just so he knows you're okay._

_I don't mean you have to write to him like you write to me. I think it might be a good start._

_I promise I'll be back soon. I love you, Will._

_\- Niki_

* * *

_Hello, Niki._

_I'm not ready to write to him. I'm sorry. I know I should because it's been about four months now and it really is getting ridiculous but I can't and I hope that you understand that ~~please understand~~. I would like to see the Mooblooms one day. Maybe not anytime soon considering everything that is going on, but..I would like to see them eventually. What do they look like? Do you think you could draw a picture? If not, that's fine. Don't feel pressured, Niki. I love hearing from you, and I'm very happy that you're coming back to the house. You don't have to. It's okay if you don't want to keep writing to me, it's okay. I understand. ~~i'm so happy that you do~~_

_What does Eret's dog look like? Do you know how Fundy is? Is Techno alright? Are they all with you? You only ever talk about Tommy, Tubbo, and Eret, but never anyone else. Are they still in the other world? I'm sorry I ask so many questions. I know it's tedious, I'm so sorry. But you say that you don't mind, and you haven't lied to me, so I believe you ~~niki i promise i believe you please don't doubt that you're one of the only people who won't lie to me~~ , but it's still difficult. Phil is doing alright, he said hello back. I hope that..._

_Nevermind._

_I love you, Niki. I'm sorry._

_\- Wilbur_


	2. will you come back again?

_Hi, Will._

_You don't have to be sorry, it was just a suggestion. You don't ever have to be sorry with me, Will. The Mooblooms are really pretty! They're mostly yellow, with dandelions on top of their backs and white patches. Tommy likes to call them "piss cows". Eret's dog is mostly black with brown and white. I'll draw you a picture next time, okay? Fundy, Techno, and Dream aren't with us. It's only Eret, Tommy, Tubbo, and me. Will, you don't have to keep saying sorry to me. I know it's hard for you to believe that, but nothing you ask is ever tedious. I love answering your questions. And of course I'm going to come visit and keep writing to you - why wouldn't I? It's a highlight of my life, Will. You can ask me anything, it's perfectly fine. I'm never going to get mad about that, Will. I promise._

_I love you, Will. I'll come visit in another day or two._

_\- Niki <3_

* * *

_Hello, Niki._

~~_I'm sorry_~~ _Okay so I've already fucked it. Oops. And thank you, I understand that it's hard to deal with me. You can say that it isn't, but it is. It's okay, I know. You don't have to lie, and I'd prefer if you didn't. Of course Tommy calls them piss cows, I can't even be surprised. I miss having a dog. I had a few pets a long time ago. Did I ever tell you about New Milo, Niki? He was my fish. I know that sounds boring, because fish are just fish, but he.. he was special to me. I miss him. I let him free in the ocean after a year or two of living with me, on this..I don't know how to describe it. But it was...._

_I'm sorry, I'm blanking. I'm very tired. I've been having a hard time sleeping again. The music hasn't gone away recently, but I'm always so scared that it will. Is it normal to be terrified all the time, Niki? Are you scared? Have you ever been scared? I don't remember seeing you scared in a long time. The last time you were scared was when Schlatt kicked me out. I'm sorry about L'manberg. I thought.._

_I thought wrong, Niki. I'm sorry. ~~i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry i can't believe you even stay to write to me i'm so fucking stupid i'm so sorry i'm so sor~~_

_Alright, I should probably stop. I love you, Niki. I can't wait to see you again._

_\- Will_

* * *

Niki is thankful for the portals. "Alright," she smiles at Eret, moving away from their shared home. She's planning on setting up another bakery, even if there's no one here other than her, Eret, Tommy, and Tubbo. It'd be nice, nostalgic. "I'll be back in a week or two. If you need me, say something, okay?" Eret smiles back at her, his eyes glowing a little brighter than they have in a while. His sunglasses got damaged in the explosion. He ended up finding out that Niki was going back and forth between worlds to see Wilbur. 

"Promise," he tells her, squeezing her shoulder. "I'll keep them occupied. Be safe, Niki. Will you tell me how he's doing when you come back?"

"You know I can't, Eret."

"Yeah," Eret agrees, smiling gently. "I know. I'll see you soon, Niki."

"You too, Eret," she moves away from him, taking the first step into the portal. Wilbur would never know if Niki told Eret about his progress, about what they write to each other. But she wouldn't, she'd never do it. She can't lose Wilbur's trust. He has so few people left, and she can't be one of the people who he loses. Not again. "Will?" Niki glances around, staring at the graves by the porch. They're all unnamed, and she's never asked Phil about them. She doesn't think she should. "W-"

"Niki!" Wilbur's laugh fills her ears, and her heart skyrockets. It's one of his good days, it seems. Wilbur comes racing down the porch stairs, grinning at her with a light in his eyes she hasn't seen in months. "It's been years! Thousands of years!" He teases, wrapping her in a hug. "I missed you. How are you?" 

"I missed you, too, Will," Niki giggles, hugging him back. "I've been good! How are you?" She asks, shifting away from his grasp so she can look at him. "Where's Phil?" 

Wilbur beams, his hair looking a little less messy, a little more kempt. "I'm..I'm doing good, Niki. And Phil is out in one of his worlds," he waves a hand, shrugging when he does. "I'm assuming he'll be back in a few hours, give or take." Niki bites down on her lip, trying her best to hide her annoyance. Why the hell would Phil leave Wilbur _alone_? He knows damn well that he isn't stable enough to be on his own. 

"I'm glad," Niki settles for, grinning up at her friend. "Have you been working on the garden?" Wilbur blinks at her, shame and disappointment crashing onto his face. 

"No, I- I'm sorry, I completely forgot- no, that's a lie, I was just..I jus-"

"Will," Niki pushes herself up to the tips of her toes, reaching up to poke his nose. "Shh. It's fine," she smiles, leaning back down when he does the same. "We'll regrow it, alright?" She reaches down, taking his hand. "Here. I want to teach you something."

Wilbur raises an eyebrow down at her, still smiling. "What's that?"

"How to bake," Niki grins, tugging him into the house before he can protest. "It's an important skill, and luckily for you, you've got a professional with you." Wilbur tosses his head back, laughing without a thought in the world. Niki feels her heart swell, her entire mood lifting. God, she's so glad he's getting better. 

"You're a professional now, are you?" Wilbur teases, turning to lean against the counter. "If I remember correctly, you nearly burnt down your last bakery, didn't you?" 

Niki rolls her eyes, waving a hand. "I wouldn't say that. I'd say I..I was just doing some revamping. I like the colour it left behind." Wilbur giggles, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. 

"Okay, Niki. Whatever you say. What are we baking?" He turns back to look at her, eyes shining and sparkling, and _god_ , it's been so long. "Bread? Cake? I don't even know if we have anything here," Wilbur admits. "Phil normally just magics things into existence, which is honestly very irresponsible of him, since he never taught me how to cook," he breathes in, "and I think that's an important skill to teach your children, especially when they eventually move out. The first two years of my life outside of this place, I had to _pay_ for my food, Niki. With money! Do you understand how awful that is? I see all these people cooking their own food _without_ paying money, and I'm just this little scoundrel boy, looking for-"

Niki giggles, spinning around on her heels to face him with a mock stern look. "You're still a little scoundrel boy." Wilbur grins, tilting his head to the side. 

"I am, am I?" He rests his head on his arm, staring at her with such happy eyes. It makes her heart hurt from how happy he looks. It's been so long since he's looked at her like that. "Niki. You're staring."

"I'm happy to see you, Will," she tells him, smiling back at him. "I'm glad you're doing better." Wilbur closes his eyes for a second, his smile getting a little softer. 

"I've been trying. I like having good days, Niki," Wilbur tells her, opening his eyes when he does. "They make me feel..well, good. I hate it when I have bad days. And I..I know I can't control it, but I..I try," he admits. "I try so hard to have good days."

"I'm proud of you," Niki reaches for him, and he lets her. She rests her head on his shoulder, even if he has to hunch down a bit so she can. "I'm so proud of you, Will. You're doing so good. It's okay to have bad days, too. We all have them. I'll be here for you whether you're having a good day or a bad day, I promise. I love you." 

Wilbur sniffles a bit, hugging her a bit tighter. "I love you too, Niki. Thank you for being here. I know I'm difficult."

"We all are, Will. Being difficult isn't a reason for someone to give up on you," she pulls back, smiling up at him. He smiles back, a few tears trailing down his face. "Happy tears?" Niki asks. 

"Yeah," Wilbur confirms, wiping one away. "Happy tears."


End file.
